._ , , . *|, * _ _ -+--+- _. _|* _ || | (_](_) | | (_] (_]|(/, * ._| , , ._ . . . . . _ . . _ _ -+--+- _. |,. . _.;_/*._ _ |*. , _ _| _ _ _| \_|(_)(_| (_](_) | | (_] | (_|(_.| \|[ )(_] || \/ (/, (_](_)(_)(_] ._| ._| ._| A N O V E L B Y M A R T I E " M U R D S " M O O D ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Prelude -- The Intro Stage in Mega Man X ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: (5/3/25 10:48 a.m.) 0. "Thy life is a riddle, to bear rapture and sorrow/To listen, to suffer, to entrust unto tomorrow/In one fleeting moment, from the land doth life flow/Yet in one fleeting moment, for anew it doth grow/In the same fleeting moment thou must live, die, and know" -Answers, from Final Fantasy XIV (2010) (5/3/25 10:48 p.m.) 1. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=- INT. CITY APARTMENT -- DAY (DAYDREAM) -=-=- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= It's 2017. Ten years down the line. Emma, 27, comes to on her hardwood floor. She's surrounded by clothes, fast food bags, and a staggering collection of empty beer bottles and cans. A knock at the door. She reaches for her cell phone and scurries her bloodshot eyes to the screen. ON SCREEN 10/28/17 7:01 a.m. ON EMMA Emma tosses the phone as the sleep rapidly falls off her body. EMMA: Oh, fuck me. She jumps to her feet, then looks around at the mess. It's like someone died here. Having fallen asleep in street wear, she ignores the disaster and shuffles over to the door and opens it. 2. Emma's mind drifted off, and before she knew it, she was lifting herself up off the golden ground and back into reality. Her eyes adjusted from slumber, finding herself in a stilted apartment adorned with empty beer bottles blanketing whole corners of the hardwood floor. A loud crashing at the door startled Emma. She shot her bloodshot eyes to her phone then up to the window; a miserable morning outside -- gray, rainy, and gloomy. "Oh, fuck me," Emma said. The sleep fell off her body as soon as she sprang to her feet, her heart beginning to race as she looked around at the mess: piles of cans, bags of fast food, piss-soaked clothes, mouse traps baited with peanut butter, bulging white plastic garbage bags, flies buzzing near the kitchen drain -- it was as if someone had expired here a week ago. At the sound of more knocking, she whipped her body over to the front door, on the way noticing she fell asleep in street wear -- tattered sneakers, stained jeans, and a torn hoodie. Arriving at the entrance, Emma took a deep breath and opened the door. 3. Hey, so great job drinking a case the night before ### came to pick you up. Dumbass. You fucking knew he was gonna get there hella early, and you still decided to get fucked up 'til 5 a.m. Jesus Christ, Em. You gotta fucking lock in. He didn't say anything, it's fine, whatever. But like, you fell asleep on the ground, only got an hour or two of shut eye, and then he's banging on the door in the rain, trying to get inside to take a piss, and you're passed out on the fucking floor. Brilliant. Thank God he played dumb. He just asked if I had a party and helped me clean up since ### and him are gonna drop me off at the end of the weekend. Dude, quit Forbes, then quit drinking. Goddammit it. ******************************************************************************* (5/3/25 10:48 p.m.) 4. EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a transcript of a video edited by Martie "Murds" Mood. Title: Jet Force Gemini -- Unfinished Business Episode 5 -- strummerdood Description: Free Palestine -- Minor Detail (2017), a novel by Adania Shibli Visibility: Public Restrictions: - Date: Jul 30, 2013 Views: 2,296 Comments: 27 Like (vs. dislike): 61 (95.3%) BOARD: The following is basically what happened when Matt tried to finish Jet Force Gemini after 13 years. (Jet Force Gemini's title screen opens the scene and the camera zooms in on Matt's face as his hair is blown back in amazement of this video game.) MATT: Jet Force Gemi-- FRANK (off-screen, or O.S.): Hey! (Matt turns startled to see his older brother Frank standing behind him.) FRANK (O.S.): The hell are you doing? (The camera shows Frank's perspective, finding Matt in front of a FlipCam recording his "performance.") MATT: I'm working on my review. FRANK (O.S.): Hah, okay. (Frank walks over to the end couch and lies down.) FRANK (O.S.): Proceed. (A flabbergasted Matt shifts his focus back to the camera and continues with his review, which moves into edited video footage.) So, Rareware! Everyone on the internet loves Rare, moreso for the lil' Golden Age they had on the 64 and less for, uh... (Cut to Matt playing Rare's Kinect Sports. During the "Show Off & Share" replay sequence, Matt jumps up and accidentally smashes his head into the ceiling above.) But it seems like whenever people fawn over the company, they inexplicably leave out a very important title: Jet Force Gemini. BOARD: Surprised!? Jet Force Gemini is fun, but then it's like really annoying, but it's like kind of gratifying, but at the same time it's like really grating, and then other times, I'm like, "Oh, this is really brilliant," and then other times, I'm like, "Jesus Christ, why would you do that?" It's stupid! Like it's just dumb. I mean, don't get me wrong, when I rented this back in the magical time of 1999, I was in love with this game. BOARD: tl;dr of 1999: Spongebob Squarepants was the only good thing to happen. Oh, I should do a quick refresher of what the game is actually about, that's important. Alright. Um, there are aliens that are like ants, and they start killing these little Tribal dudes, right? And all the while, you're chilling in space when an alarm goes off, and as you get up out of your chair, your coffee mug slips out of your hand, and you're just sitting there like, "Son of a bitch, that was my favorite goddamn coffee mug!" So, and then like, the rest of the game is about exacting revenge on those dick aliens that set off your alarm, so, yeah. It's pretty beautiful. What players find out is that, later down the road, Jeff here basically takes the world hostage unless you save all these Ewok-looking bastards, who are literally allergic to themselves. You might want to sit down for what I'm about to tell you, but I'm not much of a completionist. Like here's a list of games I 100% finished. BOARD: 1. Super Mario 64 2. Super Mario Bros. 3 3. Zelda: Twilight Princess -> Not all Heart Pieces 4. Pokemon: Blue -> Not all starters 5. Mega Man X! -> ...with a guide... ... ... ... 6. Super Mario Bros. Yeah! Super impressive. So, when I was given this task by Jeff here, I just bailed, which it seems many gamers did. (ON SCREEN: An old save file with the name "Ben.") I mean just look at Ben here. Where'd he get? Nowhere. I rest my case. Huh, an old save file of Ben on a Nintendo 64 cartridge...Why do I have such a bad feeling about that? Eh, guess it's nothing. MATT: But now it's time to nut up! FRANK (O.S.): What nuts? MATT: Shut up, Frank! I know I say this all the time, but it's pretty good to be back. I really adored this game when I was younger, likely because of all the nods to great science fiction. See, Rare didn't make secret of all the little sci-fi titles they took inspiration from; it was very consciously done and you can see this very early on in the game. MATT: You got the Yoda-like Magnus, the Space Invaders-style shooting mechanics -- especially against those mechanical drones that keep formation -- and these doors that need to be shot open a la Super Metroid. Funny thing, I had such a tough time opening this door as a kid since I was trying to use the pistol, but now I know you just blast it with the machine gun. (Matt attempts to shoot the door open but appears to be too far away to activate it properly.) FRANK (O.S.): Stand closer to the door, dumbass. (While annoyed by the comment, Matt does what he's told and stands closer to disengage the lock.) Of course, not everything Rare pays homage to really works in this already dense design. One of the focuses during development -- according to Wikipedia -- was getting the tightness of a first-person shooter in a third-person game. Thus, the shooting mechanics and enemy movement were heavily influenced by Quake -- according to Wikipedia. MATT: And revisiting this game now, this is very pronounced. They share in common slight auto-targeting. FRANK (O.S.): Auto-targeting is for pussies. MATT: And enemies that dodge shots. FRANK (O.S.): Make NASCAR evasive maneuvers. MATT (annoyed): ...AI that tries to dodge sh-- FRANK (O.S.): Make NASCAR evasive maneuvers! MATT: Do NASCAR evasive maneuvers. The problem being these active enemies kind of just run up on the player and hurt them on contact. It's dated with its lack of close-quarter combat, and with the goofy controls, it becomes a frustrating prospect to relocate these bastards. FRANK: (O.S.): Ohh, he said a bad word! MATT: For Christ's sake, Frank! It's funny then that the greatest element of Jet Force Gemini so far is the atmosphere -- which is pure Rare. Nowhere is this more obvious than the level Tawfret. This is a serious nostalgia trip right here. The combination of dark tones and humorous moments is signature for the company. And you know, this reminds me that the game has a split-screen multiplayer mode that my brother and I used to play back in the day. MATT: Hey Frank, you wanna play the multiplay-- FRANK (O.S.): No! (Matt wilts into the sofa and goes back to playing the game.) They also get it sublimely right with the boss battles. They're huge, tough, and play off that Space Invaders vibe by keeping you locked in place and forcing you to be precise with the aiming system, which is totally intense when nailed down. MATT: I'd be lying, though, if I said the upcoming fetch quest wasn't dampening the experience. Vela's ship level is especially frustrating in that you see all these little Tribals just barely out of reach. The game wants you to value these creatures, but it's tough when the player is fully aware that they just simply need to turn their back for now. With the backtracking I've enjoyed, there's always some type of surprising element to it, which is an issue in Jet Force because they're being so overt with what's useless and what's not. FRANK (O.S.): You're useless. MATT: Dude, don't you have anything to do!? FRANK (O.S.): No, it's the weekend, dumbass. Guess you wouldn't know anything about that, you unemployed bitch. MATT: I'm just gonna have my editor Martie cut you out of everything, man. (Frank grabs Matt's mic and pulls it away.) FRANK (O.S.): Hey Martie, leave me in all these shots. MATT: Don't grab that, come on! Stop! BOARD: "Okay." -Matt's editor, Martie "Murds" Mood Alright, finally back at Mizar's Palace, which is the place all of the party members congregate at to start the fetch quest. It's funny 'cause, as a kid, I thought it was the end of the game; of course I'm sure I'm not the only one spurned for thinking that. But the overall design of this level is great because you see these areas you can't access early on but are instantly gratified when you bring in other characters -- it's like, very reminiscent of Super Metroid in that way. There's also a lot of weird, cool stuff going on: the underwater level, the night vision section, those crazy giant rings that remind me of The Fifth Element, and using Floyd for NOT a stupid race. They're not the best individual levels, but all of this solid backtracking gives me hope that the rest of the game is not gonna be half bad. BOARD: A few levels later... (A folky song begins.) Jet Force Gemini, you're a kick-ass game But playing this level again is-a kinda lame Luckily there's new areas to explore Hit the end and I picked the wrong character Goddamn! Really? Hey Rare, Bite me. I got lost, man, I needed to check the map Little did I know that in this game map don't mean "map" Time to restart, yeah, time to begin again And turns out it was just a bonus totem DAMMIT! COME ON! JESUS! Oh Lawd (Oooohs and shit) (Song hits a pause after Matt accidentally lays waste to a Tribal family...like with a rocket launcher.) FRANK (O.S.): What's that splattering noise? I smell burnt fur. FRANK (O.S.) (cont'd): Ohh...It was a clean death, you know...They're gonna have to put him in a closed casket, though. FRANK (O.S.) (cont'd): Did you see how wide his eyes got? He was so happy to see you and then NYAH! FRANK (O.S.) (cont'd): Bubba? "Yeah, Forrest?" ...That's the last thing I said to Bubba. (Song jumps into the final chorus) Goddamn (Another dead end, it's time to restart) Really? (Don't care what weapon I find in these parts) Hey Rare (They die, won't scream, they're suicidal) Bite me (The worst civilians, they've earned the title) Dammit (Sekhmet has gotta be the worst stage and...) Come on (...Replayed this level three or four times, damn) Jesus (Save my ass from this dumb fetch quest, man) Oh Lawd (But the disco was super cool -- jam) (The stupid fucking song is done. Get ready for a dated impression of a large Black woman.) AW LAWD HAVE MERCY IT'S DONE! How Jeff here isn't considered one of the biggest douchebags in gaming is beyond me. Alright, alright, finally at the final boss. This better be goddamn worth it. BOARD: "Here's Matt dying a bunch to Mizar. Enjoy." -Martie (Matt dies a bunch to Mizar.) Sweet, that was actually pretty rad. You know, it's obvious I'm not a completionist, but it was great to finally finish this game by only using a guide like...three times max for small things that aren't explained at all. And finishing it off with this amazing final boss just makes completing this game 13 years later way better. MATT: But you know, I learned something today. Revering work and biting off of it can be very beneficial, but at the end of the day, finding your own voice is the most important part of anything creative. FRANK (O.S.): Did you just steal that from South Park? You stole, "I learned something today," didn't you? Dude, you suck at everything you put your mind to. Remember freshman year when you tried to play baseball? You were so horrible! The only time you scored, the pitcher walked you, and they were already up, like, ten runs! Dude, oh my God, it's like you're destined to failure. I lEaRnEd ThAt YoU sHoUlDn'T sTeAl. Jesus Christ! If no one ever saw Star Wars, and you stole everything from it, you'd still find a way to screw it up. Ahhh ha ha ha, ahaha ha ha ha, ahh ha ha ha. (This dude fucking cries on camera. Like, the main guy -- Matt, I guess -- just sits there and cries. Fuck is his problem?)